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18 June 2010 @ 03:39 am
at this point...  
Disclaimer: This message is NOT directed at one single person. It is written for many people. I do not think people are disposable. I do feel as if life is somewhat of a revolving-door to a giant amusement park.

I need to evaluate how much of my time I should invest on any new individual I cross paths with.
The amount of time I spent wondering about other people has recently been greatly reduced.
Cutting off contact with others has freed time for me to focus on myself.
Is this selfish? Is selfish negative? Perhaps it's just subjective.

I'm at a point where I feel like starting over and keeping contact with people that I truly feel are worth keeping contact with. Is it necessary to be cordial with a person who continually makes you feel miserable about life? Absolutely not. Is it necessary to surround yourself with negativity? Absolutely not. Nobody likes losing friends though. Maybe I just need a break.

The way I look at it, a person will ignore another person if they don't want to put forth any effort in communicating. It doesn't matter if they are doing it to antagonize or not. Technology has made this very easy to do. I chose to do it recently to many people. Do I feel bad about it? Sort of. Will I lose sleep over it? No.

The reason why is the people I did it to most likely have done it to me. Like the friend that completely ignored me on the one day a year we always see each other on. Or the one in Illinois who stopped initiating contact with me for some time after I left his state. Or the new person you just met that made future plans with you and cancel three times in a week. Or the friends who are flakes that aren't really there when you really need them. Let me defend them all and say that they probably didn't intend on make me sad, depressed, or angry. I did let it bother me though because I tend to worry about things like that.

The more I worry and care about other people, the less I worry and care about myself. I don't want to end up having severe anxiety again. A year of that was too long. I just recently had another episode of sleep paralysis which means that I am stressed or I am not getting real sleep. Usually once that happens, it turns into a viscous cycle that is hard to kick. Thinking about this past week, it could have also been the stress over the basement flooding and not having a bed to sleep in.

The flood didn't ruin my life or anything. All of my stuff was in the basement and things did get ruined. I don't need much anymore though. All material items are disposable to me. Maybe I truly am turning into a person who could live in a commune out west. I haven't listened to the radio in years and I could care less about television.

A huge part of me wants to be fully happy for the one in Illinois when he truly follows his heart. Yet, another part of me feels miserable because it is the same person who broke my heart. What to do about the situation? Unsure. Any reason to be angry or depressed? Not necessarily.

Life goes on though. A person must move on and make the future their main focus. Dwelling on the past is pointless as it has already happened and nothing can bring it back. Human emotions are tricky though. I'm sure life would be a whole lot easier if each individual can control their every emotion.

It's hard to be a person who really does care about peoples well-being. Thinking about it, it makes me feel as if I am the one who put myself into this position. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to change my ways. Perhaps becoming more assertive is what I should be focused on. Yeah, I try to be civil, but I need to think about myself now. I need to worry about my goals. There are many things I would love to accomplish. There are many things I would love to try out. Nobody needs other people weighing them down

Now how do I balance all of this? How do I take a break from people without hurting their feelings?
What do I say? It's a struggle because part of me just says "don't worry about it" but my mind is always running. I know I need to do what is good for myself. I just don't want to be that person who takes the approach of "you did it to me so I am going to do it to you". I want people to understand that I probably don't give myself the time of day. It's possible that I might have never really been true to myself. Who knows. What a weird thing to try and figure out.

So, if you are reading this, I apologize. If I didn't apologize, I would regret not doing it. I am not just apologizing for the reason that I would regret if I didn't though. It is sincere. Who am I apologizing to? Anybody who has been hurt by me in any way. Chances are, I did not do it intentionally.

From here on out, I will be reluctant to immediately jump into something new.
It's time to really think about what is worth while and what truly is a necessity. Perhaps I am being a bit ambiguous but I think I am allowed to since this is my journal. It's time for me to worry about myself. In fact, I should attempt to remove the word "worry" from my vocabulary for it has somewhat of a negative connotation in my mind.

Wise men say "only fools rush in"